Life could be well spent by just lying down on that bed in your office and having a conversation throughout the day.
“How do you define a normal day”?
“Well I get up all fuzzy in the morning and then face that retched traffic and all I see is these obstacles in front of me with the pollution and horns…”
“I said how would you define a normal day?
I look flustered.
“Well”, giving me that the smile with the dim eyes.
“It’s pathetic, it kills me every day, every inch of the road I travel questions me about the decisions I’ve made so far”.
“That’s a definition. Isn’t this much clear?”
“I see, so this is some sort of a psychological method to get out the feelings from deep within is it?”
“Ha ha ha ha, no no!”
I just come out of this deep feeling bubble and look puzzled.
“I just couldn’t follow your narration, it had too much of detail for me to sink it in and summarize it”.
I think there is one facial expression that talks the most out of any human being and that is the “straight face”.
“I thought psychologists are supposed to help! Not confuse”
“And how do you think I’m confusing you? I thought you were the person who didn’t like to complicate things? And here you are doing so!”
“Don’t keep it in; you are here to take everything out”
Now that’s something I can’t do. I have this huge wall around me that I cannot just let lay low. Only time will tell if that wall exists or not. What the hell? Sometimes I wonder where such thoughts come from.
“So I guess we’re done for today”
“I’ve seen better men flirt in better tones and that is just downright pathetic”
“Right, screw it. I’m leaving.”
I come out of the flat and step into the neighborhood. I have this dissatisfied look and I wonder if I can ever feel good? Well let’s give it some time boy, this is just day one. I take out my cigarette and just before I light it, between the cigarette and the flame, I see this old lady crossing the road with earphones on. There’s a car coming with boom music, what is this? The Spiderman cliché save the innocent citizen scene? Shit!
TO BE CONTINUED
Feels like the first day at school. Irony has been one of the many merry companions in my life. I just finished my college life and i feel like a school kid. Human psyche states that its good to be nervous, that means you’re rearing towards the job that you’re going to do.
I can understand what military veterans go through, they take time to adjust to the soft yet comforting world around them from the harsh environment that they spent most of their life in. In such similar cases, i have never experienced such warmth and such passion towards their designated work. My experience with employment was more like “here you go, this is your desk; now get right up to it”. There’s a level of breathing space and guidance that i can look towards and that felt like eating a watermelon in the middle of the ocean. Some might think of it as excitement, or the feeling of “hold on boy, its just the first day don’t get too jumpy now” and i thought of it as well but hey i met new people and that makes me happy.
If you want to do something, do it with the right spirit that’s the kind of mindset i went with.
For now its a new journey.
I wake up to this tiring morning
As i battle myself in my sleep
But is it because that’s my calling?
That i rather fight than weep
Righteous are the people who do good to others
But mighty are those, who do good to themselves
I get up from bed everyday to wonder about this strange noise in my house. This noise is so disturbing that it has me up from bed at such an early hour. This noise is the sound of nothingness, no screaming, no sound whatsoever. Its peaceful yet shocking for a person who constantly lives in an environment full of chaos and constant conversations. If you were to live all by yourself; it can be the biggest turning point in your life and the most biggest achievement as well. Well that’s my take on being independent. Its painfully fun.
So i get up with this noise of nothingness and weird enough i can hear my thoughts echoing! I go about my daily chores, the conversations with people and doing what ever i can during a normal day. But today it felt a bit strange. It all came to me that a scared kid who was afraid of the dark, who lived lavishly at the comfort of his home is on his own in this new city and this small little apartment. I kind of smiled looking at myself in the mirror while brushing my teeth. To be honest, sometimes the days go without any contact from the outside world. The walls sink in and you get choked up from within. But those are quiet rare when the “joblessness” phase just makes a small visit. The silver lining is that i’m going to get busy as hell from the coming week. But as a phase that is ending, i look back and wonder at myself in that position. I compare myself with and without people and its something I’ve never seen before. The days are so simple, they are completely normal and its not worth talking about as well but i never had normal days, it was always doing this or doing that. Guess its a shocker for me.
In the lows of this “phase” without sound i agree to have fallen for the thought provoking ideas of being a loner. But then again i have people who ping me and it reminds me that these are illusions of my own making. I don’t look at this silent weekend as a dampener of moods but realize as a solid break after a hectic schedule for a bigger responsibility coming my way. I have not approached it as a dark pit into which i have fallen but as a shore seeing being alone as a new creature making a home for itself. Sometimes its good to be alone. It makes you think, imply and correct yourself to become a far stronger and better person.
I want you to think for one tiny second. Just think. Not about you or you’re entire history. Simply think.
Giving hope to someone is like giving a part of you’re soul to someone when they are in need of it. Like any sick person i went to the doctor. The usual flu symptoms and i needed that immediate cure, that psychological satisfaction from that doctor’s face of “poor sod, spent his money only for a small flu”; that doesn’t matter, the end result is i’m happy; isn’t that everyone’s reason for existence? Making themselves happy. Debatable.
Well back to the sick person, i get out of the clinic and walk myself to the ground floor and go towards the pharmacy. I give the prescription, “the sad sick i want to get out of here as soon as i can to beat the crossroad traffic” look to the guy who gives me the look of “he’s a sad sick chap expecting me to give him his medicines so that he could get out of here as soon as he could so that he would beat the crossroad traffic, yeah right”. So i’m waiting for 15 minutes and he’s got my medicines but he’s making the bill. Out of all the patients beside me who keep changing like the joints where i eat, i’m the one with the stuffy nose, feeling cold and miserable waiting for the bill to come, it feels like the parliament where bills have more amendments and debates even before their introduced. So he finally gets it, i’m holding out my card to pay the man. He gives me the eye blink confirmation of “wait a minute dude i’m checking if you got the right medicines otherwise its my head in the noose”, so i wait, i’m patient. He finishes his checking and attends to another customer and i’m like “what the fuck, i thought he was checking and he suddenly gets distracted”, still patient. He comes back and looks at the bill, i have my card pointing towards him, edging from the counter, screaming in my heart for the love i have for this caring distracted weasel “take my money you motherfucker take it! Just swipe the freaking card!”. He looks at me with this disheartening face as if he’s going to tell me that my wife’s not going to make it through the operation or that i have to choose between my child and my wife. He says its a cash bill and not a card bill, “you did say card right sir?”. “Off course i said “card” you jackass! you good for nothing can’t do jack piece of shit! “Yes i did say card” i told him, aah if only we could speak our minds and not make a mess of things; now where would we be then? He makes the card bill this time.
Next to me comes this old man, with this rusty old wooden cane and a lot of credentials in his breast pocket. Holding up a ten rupee note in the air. My weasel comes and tells him that he can’t buy the biscuits for ten bucks. Looks like the poor chap got denied twice. Now i felt like punching the weasel on his face. But its not like he’s running a charity show. I can’t believe i sided with the weasel, god!
The old man walks away, he makes my card bill, i swipe it, put the pin and walk away from that dreaded pharmacy. While heading towards the exit. Something snaps, i’m in not control of myself; i go to the counter buy the biscuit packet and search for this little old man. I want to give it to him, i cannot walk out of this building without giving him the packet. Couldn’t find him. i returned it, got my money back.
As i left, while riding i just pondered upon the fact that i could have bought it for him,maybe he would hesitate maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe i should have seen where he would have gone. A lot of maybe’s. Was it a test of some kind, maybe.